Category Archives: I am a disgusting human being

A Brief Anecdote About Peanut Butter (a post by Lee)

I used to, in one 10-minute sitting, be able to eat an entire jar of this peanut butter:

Needed: Cholesterol Check

Dark Chocolate Nightmare

My mom had to start HIDING THE JARS. Then I found them (cupboard in the laundry room — the usual hiding space) and would SNEAK BITES. And then she discovered that I found out, and threw out all the jars.

I was 20 years old.


Soliciting Advice (a post by Lee)

Hello beautiful humans.

It’s that time of year again when I’ve convinced myself that I can be a competitive eater. I discovered that Russo’s Pizzeria has a contest where, if you order a 28″ two-topping pizza and consume it within an hour, the restaurant will pay you $200.

I need help picking out toppings: Here is the menu.

Keep in mind: I don’t like olives and I don’t eat meat. I probably want toppings that are mostly water-based so as to prevent getting too full; probably no extra cheese (although maybe the extra salt would make me crave more pizza?).

Please to send me your thoughts.

With love and impending clogged arteries,

Soup (a post by Lee)

It’s not even 3pm, and I’ve already had 4 conversations in 3 different mediums about soup.

1. Text Message

Anna Marie: I am planning to make at least 2 soups for/with you this weekend. Please brainstorm what you want. I had two in mind as backup. We will freeze most of it to get you through the winter.
Lee: That’s so nice. Vegetable soup!
Anna Marie: AHHAHAHA
Lee: I don’t know any other soups
I don’t think I own bowls hahahaha
I’m reading the Wikipedia page on soup
Anna Marie: Lee.
Lee: Oh my god there are so many types of soup
No gazpacho
I don’t like that
No ma’am
Anna Marie: Maybe we should swap to gchat?

2. Gchat

me: I thought maybe you were anti-gchat
Anna: Do you like my Soup Idea?
“[supervisor’s name].”
and she said “…yeah?”
Anna: waltzed haha
me: and she said “…?”

3. Email to Supervisor

Subject: Bird’s Nest Soup

Okay, so, apparently there’s a bird in China named the “Edible-nest Swiftlet.” It makes its nests OUT OF SALIVA. They look horrifying. It must take them forever to construct a saliva nest, and it’s almost a pity that humans harvest this nest, then boil it down. There’s almost a tragedy inherent here? I just got kind of sad.

Anyway. So humans harvest the spit-nest, and dissolve it in water. This results in a gelatinous broth. Apparently there are some super health benefits to it, though I’m not sure it’s worth the cost. A bowl of bird’s nest soup can apparently cost $100. And, if you’re anything like me, half that soup would end up on your lap, so you’d have a dry cleaning bill to work with, also.


4. Back to Gchat

me: what 2 soups did you have in mind
Anna: well, ideally i need a blender
1. veggie with some pasta (like whole wheat shells)
2. acorn squash / sweet potato (that i made last week for myself)
(blender for #2)
me: these sound complicated
we could just
buy CANS
of soup
and eat them like savages
straight out of the can
as I’m unclear as to whether or not I own bowls

In Case You Were Wondering Where I’m at in My Life Right Now (a post by Lee)

Today, one of my students threw out a half-full bag of pretzels in the trash can under my desk. After she turned her back to me, I surreptitiously plucked the bag out of the bin and hid it in my desk for me to eat later when she’s not in the office.


From Root Beer to Root Fear (a post by Lee)

My junior year of college, without having done any research into the matter, I decided I wanted to run a marathon. Because I generally act on impulse and rarely on good sense or practicality, I immediately bought a legitimate pair of running shoes. It wasn’t until a few days later, when I investigated how to train for said marathon, that I discovered such a race is 26.2 miles.

I never made it out the door.

So when Anna Marie and I were selected to be competitors in a local brewery’s Olympics, I was understandably worried. I envisioned myself doing keg stand push-ups, climbing out of a fermentation vat, and deadlifting huge bags of grain. Luckily, the folks at Saint Arnold recognized that if you’re into spending an entire Saturday at a brewery, you’re probably not super fitness-oriented.

AM and I, flanked by our 3-person fan club, arrived early and discovered Saint Arnold was offering unlimited barbecue and beer. A lesson I didn’t but should have learned from my experience at the Warrior Dash is that it is generally inadvisable to drink beer before immediately engaging in physical activity. Considering this our first challenge of the day, however, we loaded up our plates and goblets, and went to town.

Once adequately sated, everyone assembled outside for the first challenge. Each team was required to roll a barrel around a maze of kegs. Upon reaching the end, both teammates had to chug a bottle of root beer. It is important to note here that the Olympics took place in June. Houston in June is hot. About 110° hot. Root beer left outside in this weather becomes quite warm and unpleasant to the taste. Also, AM’s and my decision to wear all black to appear intimidating totally backfired – not only did we look scrawny and young, we also overheated. As should be expected, our execution of this task was dismal. Jordie helpfully filmed our shameful performance for merciless teasing posterity.

I’d like to detail the other challenges that the winning teams faced, but I spent the rest of the day inside the brewery, stifling root beer-induced burps and softly crying. I guess I don’t have the heart of an Olympian after all.

The Iron Lady (a post by Lee)

Move over, Margaret Thatcher.

Suture Self, Said the Surgeon (a post by Lee)

Last weekend, I went to a wedding outside of Austin. In the midst of all the excitement, I took a major tumble on Friday night. When I woke up the following morning, I noticed my right shoulder was a little sore. In my typical fashion, however, I ignored the pain, and carried on with swimming, dancing, climbing ladders, and generally being overactive.

When I returned to Houston on Sunday, I discovered that not only was my range of motion in my right shoulder rather limited, but also my collarbone seemed to be sticking out farther than usual. Because I’m an idiot optimist, I assumed the best and figured I’d just badly bruised myself. When I still wasn’t feeling better by Tuesday morning, however, I put on my responsible adult hat and went to the doctor.

The doctor took some x-rays of my right shoulder, and then sat me down for a conversation.

Doctor: So, did you hear a snap or a pop or anything when you fell?
Lee: No. It’s just that my shoulder is sore and there are some sharp pains if I move it in a certain way. Also, you know, my right collarbone seems to be sticking out pretty far.
Doctor: Well, Lee, that’s because your collarbone is broken.

This announcement reduced me into a giggling mess, which I think threw my poor doctor off-guard. He attempted to make me realize the seriousness of the situation by telling me I was lucky I didn’t puncture a lung, which only served to make me laugh harder. Eventually he just gave up and showed me my x-ray.

My collarbone was quite broken, as it turned out. The doctor recommended surgery, and that’s how I found myself at the Houston Orthopedic & Spine Hospital this past Friday.

The procedure involved the surgeon reconnecting my collarbone by affixing a metal plate over the bone via six screws. I am now the Bionic Woman! I put together a short film of my surgical experience for your viewing pleasure:

I was allowed to remove the bandages this morning. I’d been eagerly anticipating this moment since Friday afternoon, as I had no concept of the size of the incision. Turns out — it’s a whopping 4 inches!

I was disappointed to discover that my refrigerator magnets won’t stick to my new and improved collarbone. I guess there is a downside to major surgery, after all.