It has been well documented that I fear and detest octopuses, as any rational person ought to. I feel vindicated in this terror as now things have taken a turn for the worse: They’re coming for us.
Why. They control the whole sea, must they snatch the land from us, as well? And how dare they invade under the security of darkness, these nocturnal hellbeasts. I reject this reality and the entirety of 2017.
Today I made a wonderful decision while my colleagues were out of the office. I became nobility.
Here’s the deal.
During the Second World War, the UK built illegal fortress islands in the North Sea’s international waters to prevent German invaders. In the 1950s, as these fortresses became obsolete, they were pulled down.
All except for one.
This singular fortress—captured by Roy Bates, of Pirate Radio fame—became a sovereign principality in 1967. He named it Sealand.
For a nominal fee, one can pay to earn a noble title from the Principality of Sealand.
My subjects, I paid this nominal fee; I am now Baroness Lee of Sealand. I cannot promise to be unaffected by this—indeed, I may only become even more insufferable, should that prove possible—but I vow to use my title for the greater good.
There are many reasons to hate octopuses. Here are only 8.
1. They are full of venom and hatred.
2. They have beaks. Their beaks are on the sides of their heads. They use these beaks that are on the sides of their heads to peck into enemies, inject them with venom, and then consume them.
3. The beak is the only hard part of an octopus’s body. This is how they’re able to squeeze through tiny cracks.
4. They can squeeze through tiny cracks.
5. They have suckers on their tentacles that can break through flesh.
6. They have four pairs of arms. I don’t trust anything with that many arms. (I also don’t trust animals with no arms; HOW DO SNAKES MOVE.) If they lose an arm, even if they deserved to, they can regrow it. I don’t trust anything that can regrow arms, especially not arms they don’t deserve to have.
7. After mating, the male will wander off to die, which is all well and good. However! Once the eggs hatch, the female octopus (which can lay up to 400,000 eggs, which means endless.octopuses.) will experience mass cellular suicide and die.
8. They are intelligent lifeforms that can do things like open jars using one of its many arms. I have no interest in intelligent, venomous animals that can fit into any opening, grow up to 30 feet in length, and crush me using its multiple pairs of arms. Also, having 3 hearts means they’re practically unstoppable.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I apparently wrote this post two years ago and only today found it in the drafts folder. I sprained my wrist last night slipping on ice, so this seems timely.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that I should not often be left to my own devices.
Unfortunately, the weather necessitated that isolation be the case today. I arrived at work, after spending 35 minutes pathetically scraping ice off of my car using a car key and the salt from my tears, to discover that none of my coworkers could make it to the office due to the conditions of the highway.
After a few hours of lonesomeness, someone finally called my office number. I was so pleased that I sent an email to my missing colleagues about it.
Subject: Mr. K—— Called: A Dramatic Retelling of a Mundane Phone Call
It was about 11:06am on a day most unusual for Houston — quiet, cold, a subtle wind unhappily creeping into the spaces between your scarf and your neck. Sitting here enjoying my coffee (drank not for pleasure but for heat generation), I suddenly recalled that I left my iPod in my car. Given the current weather conditions, it seemed unwise to allow it to remain there. I put on my coat in preparation of facing the elements, grabbed my car keys, and made my way to the door.
Just as the door was closing behind me, I heard the phone ring. A beat; a pause; a moment’s hesitation. I spun on my heel, sprinted back into the office, and grabbed the phone just after the third ring.
With barely enough time to collect my breath (I need to exercise more often), I answered the call.
“Good morning, this is Lee! How can I help you?”
“Hello, this is A—— K—–.- I’d like to provide you with my credit card information.”
And provide me with his credit card information he did. I dutifully updated QuickBooks with the information, then went out and retrieved my frozen iPod.
Ten minutes later, my coworker responded.
i’ll call in a bit to get the number, thanks!
No robot is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is an autonomous vehicle,
A study in kinematics.
If a bot be destroyed by a Philadelphian,
America is the less.
[I’m running out of robotics terms,
Something about cyborgs.]
Each AI’s death diminishes me,
For I am involved in the future.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls.
It tolls for thee.
whatever happened to
why did she have to go
so far, oh
with her shaky hands
inability to remember
she told us to be
she told us to be
but who the hell
we fell so far behind.
so meaningful, so beautiful
were her many melodies
she hated school, she felt lost
so she quit
so close to the end
as she enchanted us her mother watched
and wiped beneath her eye as though
she was having trouble with her contact.
her coach did her wrong in many ways
and she lost the competition
but won over our souls.
Scoped out Time today, and saw this article.
LET’S APPLY FOR CITIZENSHIP!
I mean, there are some obvious problems (the leader will resign if he’s given a position of power in the Czech Republic; taxes are optional which means no one will pay because altruism ain’t gonna get you that far, honey; with no standing army, there will be less men and women in uniforms, and Lord knows I love folks in uniforms), but Life Is Negotiable.