We’ve talked before about how much I love the Oscars (in case you need a refresher: I LOVE THE OSCARS). And, y’all. Sunday night was an exceptional ceremony.
I must admit that I had some reservations going into this year’s Academy Awards. I’d only seen 3 of the 9 Best Picture nominations; I slept through 2 of them. I’m not a huge Seth MacFarlane fan, although honestly I think the host is a fairly negligible presence at these events anyway. And, most alarmingly, I really struggled with this year’s Best Picture nominee-themed food puns. Luckily for me, I had a wonderful and remarkably patient co-hostess, Sarah. Six days before Oscar Sunday, I sent her a super-panicked email with an inchoate list of potential ideas. With her help and soothing, we were eventually able to generate pretty solid Oscar foods. (I’m still a bit sad I couldn’t make escARGOt happen, but that would have been a) a major budget-buster and b) totally disgusting.) Without further ado, I’m proud to present this year’s Oscars Extravaganza menu:
Amour: S’Amours [Insider Tip: You can roast marshmallows in an oven. Doing so will cause the fire alarm to go off very 3 minutes, enraging your neighbors, but YOLO or whatever.]
Argo: Argo-choke Dip
Beasts of the Southern Wild: Beets of the Southern Wild [Sarah thankfully talked me out of Chicken Breasts of the Southern Wild.]
Django Unchained: Djambalaya Unchained
Les Misérables: Les Twizzlérables [My personal favorite pun.]
Life of Pi: Life of Pa-Pi-Ya [I've never dealt with papaya before, and I never will again. It's slippery and tastes like fish. This was a wildly unpopular dish, and probably I should have gone for the obvious Life of Pie joke.]
Silver Linings Playbook: Silver Wine-ings Playbook
Zero Dark Thirty: Zero Dark Thirsty [A spiced rum punch that almost wasn't. For some reason, I kept pushing Zero Pork Thirty, which doesn't even make sense.]
And, y’all, the show itself was amazing. Because I never act with any forethought, I accidentally invited people over an hour before the ceremony began. But this ended up being a blessing in disguise, as that meant guests had the opportunity to watch the red carpet show. That’s never really been of interest to me, but it was fun (albeit slightly bewildering) to watch Kelly Rowland maintain relevance (unfortunately, the same cannot be said for Destiny’s Forgotten Child, Michelle Williams). Seeing Kelly work it filled me with the false hope that maybe Beyoncé would grace the Dolby Theatre with her presence. She didn’t, which would have been highly disappointing had it not been for Catherine Zeta Jones’s FANTASTIC surprise performance of “All That Jazz.” That coupled with Shirley Bassey singing “Goldfinger” (featuring my new favorite lyrics: “He loves gold. He only loves gold. Only. Gold.”) pretty much made my life complete. Then Meryl Streep sealed the deal by announcing Daniel Day-Lewis as the Best Actor winner WITHOUT EVEN OPENING THE ENVELOPE. Meryl, you are a national treasure. NEVER CHANGE, GIRL.
I’d reflect more on what transpired, but after Googling “Meryl Streep gifs,” I stumbled upon this fan video for Meryl Streep and her husband that is having the strange and conflicting dual effect of weirding me out and making me misty-eyed: