Lee’s Happy Customer Service Experience (a post by Lee)

I was having trouble with my company’s iPad and turned to my favorite assistance medium — LIVE CUSTOMER SERVICE CHAT. I basically live for live-chatting customer service representatives; I think it is so fun.

In order to best assist me, my Apple representative, Derek, asked me to download an application that allowed for screen-sharing.

SCREENSHARING

I had some concerns.

CONCERNED

Then I got real.

I HAVE TOO MANY FEELINGS ABOUT POP STARS

After my problem was solved, Derek made a well-timed joke!

HEROSIM

Then I promoted Betty Who, and in turn, Derek got real.

BETTY WHO
GREAT EXPERIENCE

And it was a great experience.

A Brief Anecdote About Peanut Butter (a post by Lee)

I used to, in one 10-minute sitting, be able to eat an entire jar of this peanut butter:

Needed: Cholesterol Check

Dark Chocolate Nightmare

My mom had to start HIDING THE JARS. Then I found them (cupboard in the laundry room — the usual hiding space) and would SNEAK BITES. And then she discovered that I found out, and threw out all the jars.

I was 20 years old.

Soliciting Advice (a post by Lee)

Hello beautiful humans.

It’s that time of year again when I’ve convinced myself that I can be a competitive eater. I discovered that Russo’s Pizzeria has a contest where, if you order a 28″ two-topping pizza and consume it within an hour, the restaurant will pay you $200.

I need help picking out toppings: Here is the menu.

Keep in mind: I don’t like olives and I don’t eat meat. I probably want toppings that are mostly water-based so as to prevent getting too full; probably no extra cheese (although maybe the extra salt would make me crave more pizza?).

Please to send me your thoughts.

With love and impending clogged arteries,
Lee

Hot Diggety Dog! (a post by Anna)

When it comes to pageantry, the fine folks at Animal Planet do not mess around. This was my biggest takeaway from attending the 10th annual Puppy Bowl Experience. Against my better judgement, I trudged through the madness of Times Square on Super Bowl weekend where organizers were expecting a million visitors. And doggone it, it was worth it.

If this is dedication to puppies, I don't know what is.

This represents my doggy dedication.

I double dog dared a couple friends to meet me at Discovery Times Square.  It was quite the dog and pony show, consisting of 20+ interactive booths full of puppy-themed activities.

The Puppy Locker Room

The Puppy Locker Room

Fun facts about the Puppy Bowl:

  1. The real thing is filmed months in advance.
  2. Pups must be between 12 and 21 weeks old to participate.
  3. These lucky dogs are rescues, and most get adopted before the Puppy Bowl ever airs.
  4. Producers smear peanut butter on camera lenses to attract the pooches.

First, we met Mo, the spokesdog for Mohawk Carpet, and were offered some free carpet samples.

caption

Talk about a dog’s life!

The Most Out-of-Place Award goes to: the Twizzlers booth! Unlimited Twizzlers for all!

There were so many coolers of Twizzlers.

Sooo many coolers of Twizzlers!!

Then came dogtag time. Puppy Bowl reps were cranking out dogtags faster than you can imagine.

This is for a future joke.

My dogged effort for a practical joke.

Then they threw us a literal bone! With this exclusive bone chair!

Obligatory Game of Bones photo.

Obligatory Game of Bones photo.

And that’s not all folks… we visited the Puppy Bowl Hall of Fame.

Most Drooled Over Toy

Most Drooled Over Toy

There were 30+ screens playing past Puppy Bowls, but nothing compared to the fanfare of the real deal. One dog-tired pup was sleeping on the sidelines, while others traded in and out of the game. Except for a few dog eat dog moments, it was spectacular!

Puppes Gone Wild

Puppies Gone Wild

Finally, we exited through the Puppy Bowl gift shop. In the words of Florence Welsh, “the dog days are over” for me, but I couldn’t have asked for a better time at the Puppy Bowl. For now, I’ll be following @Meepthebird as she tweets live updates and waiting for Keyboard Cat to play the halftime show. Happy Puppy Bowl Sunday, yall!

The Biggest Loser (a post by Lee)

Bad news. I lost the fantasy football championship.

CHAMPIONSHIP

I spent hours upon hours over the past few months rabidly consulting fantasy football message boards, sending unsolicited emails to disinterested parties about my “controversial managerial decisions that will surely lead to MY ULTIMATE VICTORY,” analyzing player trends, and spending too much money on French fries and beer at grotty sports bars. I turned into a person I hardly recognized; a person who says things like, “For a while the situation was bleak; my players insisted on concussing themselves; my Carolina defense sucked bigtime; don’t even get me started on my tight end’s perpetuated downward spiral into inefficacy.” It was the most fun (and self-induced anxiety) that I’ve ever had.

But in the end, despite my relentless enthusiasm and research, I failed as a manager, losing the championship game by a margin of 30 points. Friends have attempted to console me by telling me that I did exceptionally well for someone who a) knew nothing about football before this experience and b) is highly distractable. Nevertheless, I remain steeped in misery, and turned to songwriting to help express to y’all just how profoundly saddened I am.

The Night I Got Carried Away (a post by Anna)

I hadn’t really planned on going to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon inflation event, but once I left work and realized it was 36 degrees and rainy, I couldn’t resist.

Upon arrival, they gave out free Dole Fruit Squish’ems: the perfect rainy winter night treat!
I can't turn down anything called a "Squish'em"

Lee once ate one of these at Starbucks for breakfast, only to realize it was actually baby food.

It took roughly two minutes of balloon viewing for me to start asking strangers to take my picture:

How It All Began

The Photo That Inspired a Montage

Face to the ground

The Porta Potties really make this shot.

The woman who took this photo suggested my pose.

The woman who took this photo suggested I pose on the railing.

I had an older French man take this photo. I don't think he was impressed.

I asked an older French man to take my Spiderman photo, and he couldn’t have been less excited.

The photographer cut off the dinosaur topiary that was supposed to the the focal point of this photo.

The photographer cut off the dinosaur topiary’s head, which was supposed to be the focal point of this photo.

Don't make faces - they might get stuck that way.

Remember that time I got my face stuck?

The fun

Photo credits go to lady with the best Southern accent!

Hello Kitty

It was a blessing that no one decided to steal my iphone throughout this montage.

Kool-Aid Man

A Vanna White Photo

My hands went numb after 30 minutes, so I decided to call it a night. Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!

Soup (a post by Lee)

It’s not even 3pm, and I’ve already had 4 conversations in 3 different mediums about soup.

1. Text Message

Anna Marie: I am planning to make at least 2 soups for/with you this weekend. Please brainstorm what you want. I had two in mind as backup. We will freeze most of it to get you through the winter.
Lee: That’s so nice. Vegetable soup!
Anna Marie: AHHAHAHA
Lee: I don’t know any other soups
I don’t think I own bowls hahahaha
I’m reading the Wikipedia page on soup
Anna Marie: Lee.
Lee: Oh my god there are so many types of soup
No gazpacho
I don’t like that
No ma’am
Anna Marie: Maybe we should swap to gchat?

2. Gchat

me: I thought maybe you were anti-gchat
BIRD’S NEST SOUP
OMG
Anna: Do you like my Soup Idea?
me: MY MIND IS BLOWN
I JUST WALTZED INTO [supervisor's] OFFICE
AND SAID,
“[supervisor's name].”
and she said “…yeah?”
and I said “HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF EDIBLE BIRDS NESTS”
Anna: waltzed haha
me: and she said “…?”
AND I SAID “I’M SENDING YOU A WRITE UP EVERYTHING IS MADNESS” and toodled out

3. Email to Supervisor

Subject: Bird’s Nest Soup

Okay, so, apparently there’s a bird in China named the “Edible-nest Swiftlet.” It makes its nests OUT OF SALIVA. They look horrifying. It must take them forever to construct a saliva nest, and it’s almost a pity that humans harvest this nest, then boil it down. There’s almost a tragedy inherent here? I just got kind of sad.

Anyway. So humans harvest the spit-nest, and dissolve it in water. This results in a gelatinous broth. Apparently there are some super health benefits to it, though I’m not sure it’s worth the cost. A bowl of bird’s nest soup can apparently cost $100. And, if you’re anything like me, half that soup would end up on your lap, so you’d have a dry cleaning bill to work with, also.

THE MORE YOU KNOW!

4. Back to Gchat

me: what 2 soups did you have in mind
Anna: well, ideally i need a blender
1. veggie with some pasta (like whole wheat shells)
2. acorn squash / sweet potato (that i made last week for myself)
(blender for #2)
me: these sound complicated
we could just
buy CANS
of soup
and eat them like savages
straight out of the can
as I’m unclear as to whether or not I own bowls